I haven't updated in a long time... So long time no see~

I guess I'm trying to be happier, but it seems like every time I try it never works.. After all, there are always people here and there that don't want others to obtain the happiness that they don't and never will obtain.

I really, truly, didn't want to believe my childhood friend, now acquaintence, was like those people. I wanted to blind myself to the fact that he turned now into a cruel hypocrite. I wanted to believe that my last tie to my past was not the man he was now.

I really thought that he might be good.

Somehow, even though my friends where getting hurt here and there, I thought that he might still be somewhat nice. That he wasn't a hypocrite. That he would have compasion enough to apologize at least 4 years later. After all, how could someone that advocates "peace" and "love" be a hypocrite? How could he hurt someone? That wasn't the same person I knew so many years ago.

But people change.

I don't think anyone really realized that this person meant a lot to me, and that the fact that he alone didn't change meant that the others didn't change either. But they did. They all did. The changes are there, and they're irreversible now. The past is the past, and it will never change. I didn't want to believe, but like a child turning into an adult, I am forced to believe. There are so many things happening that the sole hope that this person out of many would remain pure and kind, like the past, instead of corrupted like so many others became a source of consolation for me. I wish.. That just once, he could be like the past. But he can't. He never will be, and with me believing that, my childhood has officially ended. I am an adult now. I am corrupted now. I am jaded. I can't go back to being a child or a baby anymore and try to block the truth out as it knocks on my door.

How could he? How could he be so cruel? To be so mean as to hurt someone and never apologize to them, even though that person is kind to everyone, why?

I'll hunt him...

Its been two long months since I last updated. Back then, all that was on my mind was "how am I supposed to get out of school now?" and so on, as well as my current struggles with depression.

Life, for me, has just gotten worse.

There really isn't anything much to say, except that, with the exception of the couple flickers of hope and light that appear in everyday life, my exsistance, my being, almost seems completely hopeless. There isn't anything that I really want to do anymore, except to just take that one step foward. I'll continue doing so until my legs are so tired, my body so weak, that all I can do is simply crumble and die.

It hurts, though. I thought that maybe, just maybe, to at least one person I would be needed by, to at least one person I would be simply liked for who I am. Clearly, not all of my friends are true friends in this sense, then. It really hurts, to be forgotten by someone that you held closely, and stood by their side, even though all heaven, hell, and earth waged war against you. Though now its numbed to a simple ache.

In the world, though, there's nothing really to say. What can I say? That I just watched one of my friends being arrested by girls-cosplaying-as-sailor-moon-characters? That I met my crush for the first time in a long time? That I stalked him for a little while? Jeeze, my life is just boring....

Currently Playing Neon Genesis: Evangelion - Death By Various Artists see related

*btw, I'm posting this again, after posting it on another weblog. I like it, is all... Its the first time that I've spoken this bluntly...*

Muahahas... I AM CRAZIFULL AFTER DRINKING RED BULL, 10 LOLLIPOPS, AND HAVING TOO MANY DAYS OF NO/4-HRS OF SLEEP! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!
*cough cough* Pushing that aside...
There is soo much fcking homework... Its driving me insane... Almost makes me wanna take that offer of cocaine... damn fcking teachers and their homework sadism... Oh well, at least that's better than life now. I have concluded/decided to grit in teh fact that I might be chronically depressed. Ah, sht. Life just fking sucks, cause that would mean that I would have to go to a psychatrist, and if that happens, all anime gets taken away, and all manga gets taken away, and so on, and so forth. Just like that time, when my stupid sob bro decided to tell my parents that my anime and manga happens to be somewhat... er... disturbing. Life REALLY sucks when that happens. It also doesn't help when there are lots of bad things going on, too... That means that either I let my depression get to the point where I might die or do something really bad, or get all that I really like get taken away~~ T-T
Not to mention, don't wanna bother anyone with these probs either... And also that some of my friends see me as dead weight, or some slut that is just there whom they could turn to when there's no one else to talk to. I know that I'm not all that likeable, but to make it that fking obvious is just plain bs.
Damn. Life sucks.
*ahem*... Pushing that aside once more~~~
Life sucks. I guess I said that a lot, nee? I remember reading in one of my friend's xanga entries that his heart is nothing but scrap metal. If that's true, then mine is just a piece of dumb sht... After all, what kind of heart would actually want to kill people? God, I must be really messed up to think that... Though after taking a million quizzes and stuff, I'm beginning to think I was more messed up than I thought I would be... After all... Who else would want nothing but emptiness? I might as well take out all emotion in me while I'm at it!!
damn it all!!!!!!

What am I to say now?

There's so much that I want to say, but I can't. I failed my own expectations in school, my music teacher hates me, and so on, and so forth. There are so many things happening in such tumultus times, and for me, this is a bit much. I can almost feel myself subcumbing to depression, and its hard to try to not cry, or to break down. I wonder if there really is a God... Is He just ignoring me? Or trying to make me stronger? Being an aethist is harder than most people think, especially when there are times that you want to pray to a being and just blame everything on him. I wonder if I should go to a priest and have my first confession... That would be very nice, or so I think. There are so many people discovering new things, that I feel left behind. Should I die?

Leaving all of that behind, my life for now sucks. I have learned that I am expendable, so I'll try to keep other people happy instead of myself. What else can a useless person do, after all?

I feel really alone. Its like there's no one around me or anything, nothing to reach for, no future to look forward to. I'm a mediocre person-so mediocre that all stereotypes perfectly display me, and I'm surrounded by people who have shining lights-almost like a black hole in the universe, there but unable to be seen by anything else because every other star is outshining it. I wonder if I should let everything go right now... It's all pointless, anyway, if there is no future for me. Since there is none.

Finally... A new change. Not that it's been too long since my last.
 Anyways, I finally took a final-but then again, I think I failed. And since when did my intuition go wrong? All of my other friends did pretty well, so I feel even worse. I have four more finals to go-then everything will be over! THANK THE LORD ALMIGHTY! (Does that count for aethists?)
 I have found solace in that which is called Angel Sanctuary... Its so prettyful Even the bad guys are cool... *__* Also, I'm discovering Gunbound as well. Anyone wanna play wit me? I'll be happy to  Also, Karekano is cool too! Its so funniful lol.

Happy Belated Chinese/Korean/Vietnamese New Year!
(Did anyone know that you could take a day off of school if you celebrate these holidays and you have a note?)

Manga + Attempt to study = extreme failure of the study part, but lots of MANGA FUN-FUN!

Currently Reading Kare Kano: His and Her Circumstances (Book 5) By Masami Tsuda, Amy Forsyth, Darcy Lockman see related